Schprechen zi Sassy?

I just stepped in a big pile of sassy...

click here for audio

ResuMESS#4 - feel safer?

While looking for resumes containing the word "dumbass" I came across "ultra_dumbass" ... who, in addition to a penchant for aggressive do-goodery (I picture Jim Carey's Fire Marshall Bill character) has United States Army Security Clearance!

-----------------------------------------------

ultra_dumbass@....

OBJECTIVE
To overcome my past and any obsticles that may have come about as a result of it. To lead a normal life and fulfill my goals.

EXPERIENCE
United States Army Reserve
Telecommunications Operator / Maintnance
- Work in a seacure environment with sensitive government information. - Rely on team-work and cooperation to fulfill Operation Enduring Freedom. - Work closely with government agencies to calculate risks of entering theaters and evaluate enemy movements.

Showroom Cast Member
- Provide a fun yet safe environment for families with children. - Serve guests their order in a timely manner happily. - Protect store location from any threat; including but not limited to theft, robbery, assault, vandalism.

Media Sales Associate / Computer Sales Associate
- Provide a fun yet serious place to work. - Greet customers and help them find what they need. - Provide information on the layout of the store. - Watch for suspicious behavior and apprehend all suspicious patrons for questioning. - Maintain store safety at all cost. - Prevent store loss.

SKILLS
- Strong - High Endurance - Intelligant - Observant

United States Army Security Clearance

ResuMESS #3

If you are not familiar with the ResuMESS posts, check out the intro & disclaimers in post #1 of the series. This post is about people who just couldn't manage to put that final polish on their resume. (These were found by searching for resumes containing the words booty, freaky, psycho, loser, and maybe a few others I'm forgetting).

RESUME excerpt 1
OBJECTIVE: My objective is to find a good, stable job that I enjoy going to everyday. I am a really hard worker and any of my previous employers can tell you that. If I can find the right job, I hope to be able to finally settle down and stay in one area so I may achieve my other goals in life. Those of which are to go back to school and maybe start a family.

Sounds nice and/or harmless, until you get to her contact info: psycho_pussy_bitch@.......


RESUME excerpt 2
Industry: Restaurants/Food and Drink Services
Cashier/Boards
On Boards I just made fries, counted nuggets, and made sandwiches. On Register, I just took orders, and bagged orders. Both make you learn patience fairly quick. You also learn to smile and say "my pleasure" even when you feel horrible. Or even if you're customer is a complete and total loser face that needs to get their panties out of a wad!!! So yes. I'll say I learned patience and tolerance from my short time of work experience.


RESUME excerpt 3
I have exceptional grammar, an eye for creativity, fast thinking and well organized. If anyone knows, most jobs look for the best. In my case I work hard to be the best that I can be. I give my all to whatever I do and expect nothing less from myself. So in my life any job that deals with the public and working with others only adds to the sweet fun of working.

Drumroll please, for the contact info of this outstanding professional woman: Freaky_kitten420@.......


RESUME excerpt 4
Let's start with this dream-candidate's email: super_freaky_chick2002@.... and see if the resume lives up to our first impression:

Industry: Retail
non foods clerk
throwing loads, stocking shelves

Industry: Retail
meat/ seafood clerk
wrapping meat, meat prep

EDUCATION:
west high school
drill team

We have a winner.


RESUME excerpt 5
Let's see what Jennifer wants to do in her next job. The email on her oh-so-professional resume is: booty_72787@.....

OBJECTIVE: I would like to get into a job that has a growth potential.

I got yer growth potential right here!

At the end of her resume, she gives as a reference this unfortunately-named gentleman:
Reference Name: Nick Bush

and this possible drug dealer:
Reference Name: Crystal Price


RESUME excerpt 6
Kimberly (aka litt_ghetto_booty@......) has this Objective:
To gain the knowledge and skills to become a professionalist.

I think she's going to be a loserist for a while.


RESUME excerpt 7
Erica (aka dominican_qt_witha_booty@.....) has the most double-entendre-laden Objective so far, in addition to the nicest rhyming slitty email address:
I'm kind hearted and patient, always willing to lend a helping hand. Good at prioritizing and executing workloads. I work well under pressure and i want to explore new things. I'm very open minded and am willing to try just about anything.


RESUME excerpt 8
Joy (aka booty_tum@......) has this in-depth desciption of her past employment

Jc Penneys
I was a chasier in the childrens dept.

"Come here you little brats!"

Skills
I can do anything asked of me even if im alone their is nothing i cant handle.

At least she isn't overly hard on herself.

ResuMESS #2

In contrast to the resumes from my first post, these seem to be intentionally funny. If you don't know where these are coming from, please read the introduction & disclaimers on my ResuMESS #1.

---------------------------- RESUME 1 ----------------------------

Position: I made love to her every night! I love her pussy

Most Recent Employer: Your Mom

Education : PhD - fucking your sister

---------------------------- RESUME 2 ----------------------------

B. Shields

I am interested in applying for any position (within reason). I would enjoy the opportunity to be a manager figuring on how I am much smarter than everybody else, I also command respect. In any position I would require a salary based off a 40 hour work week however, I'd probably only work around 30 (not including my lunch breaks). I find that I can control people very well. I know it is important to maintain eye contact with my customers and employees as I tell them they are wrong. Then depending on my mood, give in or not. I enjoy inventing and painting and realize that I hold many of the secrets of the universe. I'd like to say I know the truth about alien life but I don't. I do wear a magnetic bracelet so that they can't read my bio-magnetic brain waves. I do feel that they have been monitoring me in other means though. I work best in a low stress no result oriented environment. I feel that this experience shows the professionalism I've acquired as well the parallelism. One thing I am getting tired of is dumb people getting better paying jobs than me. It doesn't make sense and the reality is I'm not joking just look around and you'll see it. I enjoy working in a fast paced environment and I would waste time on my shift playing on the internet. I am sick of Sally the toothless retard getting better pay than me. Essentially I'm not a fucking stupid idiot and it pisses me off to no end that I am doing this. It is evident from my resume and ranting that I have a solid work history and a high IQ, which shows my dependability and drive. Probably the best way to get a decent job around here is to simply state "I LIKEJOB. I THINK JOB PRETTY!". It would most likely have better results. I would appreciate an opportunity to discuss this in person and may be contacted via email or telephone at your earliest convenience.

---------------------------- RESUME 3 ----------------------------

Experience
CEO & President

Education
Harvard: PhD - Pimpology

i was the fucking mack of all macks... the pimp of all pimps... the fucking jedi pimp of the century

Drumming: I am god

---------------------------- RESUME 4 ----------------------------

EDUCATION
PhD Major: fucking up

EXPERIENCE
chuck e cheese - bouncer
was the head bouncer at the door

ej,s rib shack - rib licker
i would lick off the rest of the ribs that the customer,s left over

roto rooter - skin diver
i would skin dive for buried treasure

faxon detox - devil,s advocate
i would discourage people from getting sober by bringing in lots of booze!!

naked eye - pimp
pimping wasnt easy!!

mbta - stripper
i would strip for the commuters all over the red line!

enron - thief
enough said?

SKILLS
smooth talker,lying to people

Languages
i speak fluent pig latin

Awards
was awarded 2 years in jail

Hobbies
sub-sonic donkey biting, licking and slapping lobsters, group trampling!

---------------------------- RESUME 5 ----------------------------

OBJECTIVE
i have been to alot of places looking for a job but , i have on h.s.depolma have'nt had a lot of experiienceat one thing but had alot of jobs doing just about every thing i'm tired of people fucking with me on how we are to look professional ,i just want a fun,good hard working job,i'm fast learner not a dumb ass,and would like to get paid resonalbe,fuckthat $6.00 bull shit ,can,and will do anything and find anything, just need a fucking brake thanks.

EDUCATION
Major: asshole

SKILLS
to many to list

Languages
don't seak but one but, i know bull shit

Volunteer Experience
alot of people needed help so i helped them.

---------------------------- RESUME 6 ----------------------------

EMPLOYMENT OBJECTIVE: to waste time here at the dept of labor

EXPERIENCE
cantkeepajob
i dont have any skills- i dont need any skills- im never gonna find a job anyway-

SKILLS
sucking dick and fucking

personality
freaky as hell

---------------------------- RESUME 7 ----------------------------

EMPLOYMENT OBJECTIVE: ooookeey

SKILLS: I am master also Genius

Certifications: Alot
Languages: 23
Hobbies: Fucking girls

---------------------------- RESUME 8 ----------------------------

OBJECTIVE: To be employed in an environment with incredible, inspiring people who will challenge my creative boundaries until blood and sweat dribble from every orrifice, and from whom which I may suck dry of all knowledge and experiences. And to someday buy cowboy boots encrusted with rhinestones.

WORK HISTORY:
Summer 2000 Summer 2001
Digital XYZ
Position: Graphic/Web Designer
Designed more stuff same old, same old; designed and programmed websites because no one else fucking could.

---------------------------- RESUME 9 ----------------------------

EXPERIENCE
- Frankenson&Burr custodian cleaning up peoples shit, testing out marijuana for the scientists,
- Playboy playmate posing for pornography photographs, giving head, fingering myself, fucking strangers, gettin laid a lot., ect..ect...
- Butsons cashier ringing up poepls shit all day, hearing the fucking beep bepp all day, cleaning the restrooms....(sucking A LOT of dick in the milk fridge

---------------------------- RESUME 10 ----------------------------

EMPLOYMENTOBJECTIVE
I want to do stuff for somebody all day long. I'll work overtime. I ain't afraid. In the end, all I need out of the deal is a paycheck I can cash.

EDUCATION: University of Idaho

EXPERIENCE
University of Idaho, English T.A.
So I finally graduated. "I'm going to be a professor!" I decided, so I jumped straight into grad school. And I taught freshman composition. My classes always finished twenty minutes early. My students loved me (except for that one little bastard . . .) But, I decided I needed to leave acadamia and enter the real world!

Applebee's, Dishwasher
Ah, my first job with my first college degree. I thought a job washing dishes would be a nice change. I quit after three days.

Moss Greenhouses, Labor Boy
And so I decided I needed an outside job in the open fresh-air. I thought working with plants and flowers would be Zen-like. But, I didn't like working with old ladies who smoked cigarettes all day and who bragged about how valuable they were to the fucking company. I quit after three days.

Donnelly's Sports, Screen Printer
Then, luckily, the same day I quit the greenhouses a drinking buddy offered me a job printing t-shirts. This job was perfect for me. I was so good that I soon gained respect around that place. After a month I started showing up late and leaving early. I was untouchable. I could do that job with a blinding hangover. Good thing too, our favorite drinking hole was located on the same block.

Sawtooth Photography, Photographer/Lab tech
The only job I've ever loved. I was serious with this one. I'd work about fourteen days straight photographing tourists on the Salmon River, processing the film, and selling the pictures. I'm going back too, so if you hire me, just know that I'll be taking this summer off. It's supposed to be a high water year.

Big Elk Mountain Outfitters, Labor Boy
Yeah, after the photo gig, I went to work stocking some hunting camps. I was supposed to train to be a hunting guide, but I pussed out. I quit after a month.

Black Hills Construction, Roofer
So I met this hot chick, right? Well I followed her to Washington and after a month took up roofing. But, I'm from the deserts of Southern Idaho where it rains like five times a year. It rains everyday here. I hate the rain, really. So, I quit after three days.

SKILLS
Nobody plays video games like me. Nobody.

ResuMESS #1

Through my job, I have the ability to search some of the major resume-posting websites and I sometimes entertain myself by playing a round of The Stupid Resume Game.

1) search for a term or phrase that is so stupid only an imbecile would put it on his/her/its resume
2) if you find resumes matching your stupid search, you win!

Upon winning:
3) express shock and/or glee at seeing hits for your stupid search
3) click through the results and laugh (or cry) at the state of American education

Advanced players sometimes investigate the geographic, racial or socio-political demographics of search results. If you choose to play, do this at your own risk, since it frequently leads to the reinforcement of stereotypes which, as we all know, are bad & wrong.

To head off any spoil-sports, here are my disclaimers:

NOTE 1: I have deleted any personally identifying information from the resumes, so don’t yell at me for invading someone’s privacy.

NOTE 2: I have not included the entire resume, just the funny parts.

NOTE 3: I don’t correct any grammar or spelling in the resume excerpts and I also don’t pay much attention to my own grammar & spelling on this blog. But making fun of stupid resumes is not hypocritical, because this blog is written for no purpose other than to amuse me. Contrast that with a resume, which is the thing that people hope makes the best possible first impression on a potential Employer (you know, the entity you are hoping will give you money as the result of what your resume says you can do).

Enough with the conversating.

My most recent game was played by searching for resumes containing the non-word “conversate.” I hope you enjoy the excerpts below as much as I did, since I found much more to laugh at than just someone using "conversate" in a sentence.

-------------------------------------- RESUME 1 --------------------------------------

Resume Headline: Sales manager assestance

Well I am a good worker, For the last four years i have been working in different types of locations.I am a responsible person,and reliable,on time to work and am a well salesman.I love to conversate with costumers. I am a good person and a easy person to get along with,And when comes down to heard work i really get my hustle on because i believe in working heard and not playing around.

-------------------------------------- RESUME 2 --------------------------------------

Resume Headline: Exceptional Communication Skills

Languages & Proficiency Level
English: Fluent - Wide Knowledge
Spanish: Fluent - Full Knowledge

EDUCATION: Some High School Coursework

Industry: Printing/Packaging
shipping and receiving
The work experience was good, i learned so many things ever since day one. I liked the environment i was in, because everybody there was very talkative, so therefore i fit in perfectly since i like to conversate with different people.

Industry: Retail
Cashier Clerk
I learned how to operate a cash register, which was pretty cool. Since this was my first job i was very excited and was always looking forward to go to work the very next day. This is were i learned how to communicate with people, meaning that this was what i was good at. But my overall experience there was that i really liked it there.

-------------------------------------- RESUME 3 --------------------------------------

Resume Headline: smart minded employee

OBJECTIVE:
My main focus in this current job search is quite simple. I would like to find something that not only brings in a steady paycheck but peace of mind as well. Despite my limited work experience, I could be a valuable commodity to a company. In almost all aspects of business one constant is keeping the customer/consumer satisfied and reassured that the company they are dealing with is responsive and professional. One thing I can bring to to a company among other things is people skills, in the few company's I have worked for this has been essential and I have the confidence that I can perform well elsewhere.

EXPERIENCE:
Industry: Repair and Maintenance Services
field foreman/sales
With this job I learned alot about working with others to accomplish one common goal. Also I found how to conversate and react with customers. Another I learned was that I was displeased with the fact that there was no chance for advancement.

EDUCATION: High School

-------------------------------------- RESUME 4 --------------------------------------

Resume Headline: decent at a few things

EXPERIENCE:

Lawtey mudd bog
Industry: Advertising/Public Relations/Marketing Services
public realations
I stand at the gate and collect money, smile and conversate with people, and act like i've known them all my life,,, which i'm told i'm very good at,,,,,,,make people feel comfortable so they will revisit and bring in more customers,,,,,i'm clean cut ,,,,,,,i do not smoke ,,,,,,,I still work there so the only day i won't be able to work is sundays, so if you are looking for some one like me let me know,,,,,,,,,,thanks

EDUCATION: none

-------------------------------------- RESUME 5 --------------------------------------

Resume Headline: Very multi-tasked and Detail oriented

EXPERIENCE:
Industry: Restaurants/Food and Drink Services
Hostess
Greet customers. Seat and conversate. Handle complaints and/or questions. Handle Takeout/Curbside orders. Assist servers with customers drinks.

Industry: Wholesale Trade
Account Manager
Maintained customers accounts with credit lines and delinquencies. Approved Floor Plans with 12 salesman. Call customer when account was past due and set up arraignments when needed. Handle incoming driver calls with situations. Ex/ When a customer is not at location or no check is at store, have to make a decicsion as to keep goods or bring back.

EDUCATION: High School

-------------------------------------- RESUME 6 --------------------------------------
(note:"conversate" was not in this resume, but somehow monster.com knew it was a stupid resume and showed it to me anyway. Yay monster!)

Objective:
To obtain a possition in a sales position with oppurtunity to ultilize teamwork and communication skills.

Education:
University of Arizona, Bachelor’s in English

Experience:
Front Desk for Cheesecake Factory
-Managed all customer issues
-Organized seating arrangements
-Recieved 114% out of 100 on Mystery Shopper Evaluation

Server for Phi Gamma Delta
-Managed kitchen cleaning
-Monitored behavior standards of residents
-In charge of punishment for misconduct

Interests: Enjoy football, basketball, baseball, family vacations, guitar, and reading books or magazines about sports

-------------------------------------- RESUME 7 --------------------------------------
(note: I think this resume is a good example of American Engrish)

Introduction
I love to challenge myself to my highest expectation. I believe that I can overcome anything that I put my mind into. I'm an excellent listener, and have great communication skills. I am excellent when it comes to dealing with customers being professional in my work orientation. I enjoy having great conversations with my co-workers and others.

Work History :
Avon Inc.
Job Position: Sales Representative/ Website Operator
I am still currently employed with this wholesale company. From my experience in this job, I would have to say that this has been the best job opportunity that I have ever come across. I have achieved a great deal of confidence in success. I am determined to accomplish many more goals relating to this job. Gain more sales and customers by the expansion of my business. For this job position I manage eight high school girls, and still increasing. This job requires for the knowledge of 50% Microsoft Word, Excel, & PowerPoint & 50% use of the Internet.

Restaurant & Pub
Job Position: Waitress/Hostess
I started my job as a waitress at my parents’ restaurant; couple years later they sold it for a website business, so I continued being a waitress at Spud's. My responsibilities as a waitress were to excellent service to the customers, Memorize the restaurant menu, and remember the special orders for each day. This job required me to constantly multitask. I had to be friendly to the customers and conversate at a limit if they wished to talk to me. I also had a responsibility to be well organize and respect the co-workers

Medical Equipment Company
Job Position: Data Entry/Secretary/receptionist
This job was approached to me by my aunt. At this job I had a responsibility to answer phone calls from both in and out of the company, schedule appointments, order office equipments, and work on the computer using Microsoft Word & Excel, and most of the time the Internet. Great communication skills was a must, well organized was a plus, and being competitive was eye catching.

Education History
Grammar School Graduated
Junior High School Graduated
High School Graduated

Skills & Interests
Awesome communication skills
Very competitive
Great listener
Love to hold a conversation

-------------------------------------- RESUME 8 --------------------------------------

EDUCATION: High School

EXPERIENCE:
Grounds Keeper
-greet customers at the park with a friendly conversation
-clean the bathrooms and the park
-help young children find there parents

Cleaning Lady
-clean up office buliding
-keep the last working peoples company (conversate and wait with them till there ries came)

SKILLS:
Iam able to communicate friendly with others - I'm able to understand a little spanish -I am a powerful reader -I am also usually the leader of a gorup when placed in one -fast learner -great listner

ASSOCIATIONS:
I was once employed by Vector , but only for a while. My parents made me quite because there a scam job.

LANGUAGES:
-I understand a little Spanish -I can count to 10 in French & German -can say some things in spanish -can count forever in Spanish

-------------------------------------- RESUME 9 --------------------------------------

OBJECTIVE:
I am currently seeking a job that will allow me to use my excellentcommunication skills as well as enhance my knowledge so that I may obtain morework related experience in my chosen field of Mass Communication. I have excellent customer service skills,supervisory skills, and am knowlagable in payroll functioning.

EDUCATION
California State University

EXPERIENCE:
Customer Service Associate
Used excellent communication skills to conversate with customers.