Thursday, November 23, 2006

ResuMESS #1

Through my job, I have the ability to search some of the major resume-posting websites and I sometimes entertain myself by playing a round of The Stupid Resume Game.

1) search for a term or phrase that is so stupid only an imbecile would put it on his/her/its resume
2) if you find resumes matching your stupid search, you win!

Upon winning:
3) express shock and/or glee at seeing hits for your stupid search
3) click through the results and laugh (or cry) at the state of American education

Advanced players sometimes investigate the geographic, racial or socio-political demographics of search results. If you choose to play, do this at your own risk, since it frequently leads to the reinforcement of stereotypes which, as we all know, are bad & wrong.

To head off any spoil-sports, here are my disclaimers:

NOTE 1: I have deleted any personally identifying information from the resumes, so don’t yell at me for invading someone’s privacy.

NOTE 2: I have not included the entire resume, just the funny parts.

NOTE 3: I don’t correct any grammar or spelling in the resume excerpts and I also don’t pay much attention to my own grammar & spelling on this blog. But making fun of stupid resumes is not hypocritical, because this blog is written for no purpose other than to amuse me. Contrast that with a resume, which is the thing that people hope makes the best possible first impression on a potential Employer (you know, the entity you are hoping will give you money as the result of what your resume says you can do).

Enough with the conversating.

My most recent game was played by searching for resumes containing the non-word “conversate.” I hope you enjoy the excerpts below as much as I did, since I found much more to laugh at than just someone using "conversate" in a sentence.

-------------------------------------- RESUME 1 --------------------------------------

Resume Headline: Sales manager assestance

Well I am a good worker, For the last four years i have been working in different types of locations.I am a responsible person,and reliable,on time to work and am a well salesman.I love to conversate with costumers. I am a good person and a easy person to get along with,And when comes down to heard work i really get my hustle on because i believe in working heard and not playing around.

-------------------------------------- RESUME 2 --------------------------------------

Resume Headline: Exceptional Communication Skills

Languages & Proficiency Level
English: Fluent - Wide Knowledge
Spanish: Fluent - Full Knowledge

EDUCATION: Some High School Coursework

Industry: Printing/Packaging
shipping and receiving
The work experience was good, i learned so many things ever since day one. I liked the environment i was in, because everybody there was very talkative, so therefore i fit in perfectly since i like to conversate with different people.

Industry: Retail
Cashier Clerk
I learned how to operate a cash register, which was pretty cool. Since this was my first job i was very excited and was always looking forward to go to work the very next day. This is were i learned how to communicate with people, meaning that this was what i was good at. But my overall experience there was that i really liked it there.

-------------------------------------- RESUME 3 --------------------------------------

Resume Headline: smart minded employee

OBJECTIVE:
My main focus in this current job search is quite simple. I would like to find something that not only brings in a steady paycheck but peace of mind as well. Despite my limited work experience, I could be a valuable commodity to a company. In almost all aspects of business one constant is keeping the customer/consumer satisfied and reassured that the company they are dealing with is responsive and professional. One thing I can bring to to a company among other things is people skills, in the few company's I have worked for this has been essential and I have the confidence that I can perform well elsewhere.

EXPERIENCE:
Industry: Repair and Maintenance Services
field foreman/sales
With this job I learned alot about working with others to accomplish one common goal. Also I found how to conversate and react with customers. Another I learned was that I was displeased with the fact that there was no chance for advancement.

EDUCATION: High School

-------------------------------------- RESUME 4 --------------------------------------


Resume Headline: decent at a few things

EXPERIENCE:

Lawtey mudd bog
Industry: Advertising/Public Relations/Marketing Services
public realations
I stand at the gate and collect money, smile and conversate with people, and act like i've known them all my life,,, which i'm told i'm very good at,,,,,,,make people feel comfortable so they will revisit and bring in more customers,,,,,i'm clean cut ,,,,,,,i do not smoke ,,,,,,,I still work there so the only day i won't be able to work is sundays, so if you are looking for some one like me let me know,,,,,,,,,,thanks

EDUCATION: none

-------------------------------------- RESUME 5 --------------------------------------

Resume Headline: Very multi-tasked and Detail oriented

EXPERIENCE:
Industry: Restaurants/Food and Drink Services
Hostess
Greet customers. Seat and conversate. Handle complaints and/or questions. Handle Takeout/Curbside orders. Assist servers with customers drinks.

Industry: Wholesale Trade
Account Manager
Maintained customers accounts with credit lines and delinquencies. Approved Floor Plans with 12 salesman. Call customer when account was past due and set up arraignments when needed. Handle incoming driver calls with situations. Ex/ When a customer is not at location or no check is at store, have to make a decicsion as to keep goods or bring back.

EDUCATION: High School

-------------------------------------- RESUME 6 --------------------------------------

(note:"conversate" was not in this resume, but somehow monster.com knew it was a stupid resume and showed it to me anyway. Yay monster!)

Objective:
To obtain a possition in a sales position with oppurtunity to ultilize teamwork and communication skills.

Education:
University of Arizona, Bachelor’s in English

Experience:
Front Desk for Cheesecake Factory
-Managed all customer issues
-Organized seating arrangements
-Recieved 114% out of 100 on Mystery Shopper Evaluation

Server for Phi Gamma Delta
-Managed kitchen cleaning
-Monitored behavior standards of residents
-In charge of punishment for misconduct

Interests: Enjoy football, basketball, baseball, family vacations, guitar, and reading books or magazines about sports

-------------------------------------- RESUME 7 --------------------------------------

(note: I think this resume is a good example of American Engrish)

Introduction
I love to challenge myself to my highest expectation. I believe that I can overcome anything that I put my mind into. I'm an excellent listener, and have great communication skills. I am excellent when it comes to dealing with customers being professional in my work orientation. I enjoy having great conversations with my co-workers and others.

Work History :
Avon Inc.
Job Position: Sales Representative/ Website Operator
I am still currently employed with this wholesale company. From my experience in this job, I would have to say that this has been the best job opportunity that I have ever come across. I have achieved a great deal of confidence in success. I am determined to accomplish many more goals relating to this job. Gain more sales and customers by the expansion of my business. For this job position I manage eight high school girls, and still increasing. This job requires for the knowledge of 50% Microsoft Word, Excel, & PowerPoint & 50% use of the Internet.

Restaurant & Pub
Job Position: Waitress/Hostess
I started my job as a waitress at my parents’ restaurant; couple years later they sold it for a website business, so I continued being a waitress at Spud's. My responsibilities as a waitress were to excellent service to the customers, Memorize the restaurant menu, and remember the special orders for each day. This job required me to constantly multitask. I had to be friendly to the customers and conversate at a limit if they wished to talk to me. I also had a responsibility to be well organize and respect the co-workers

Medical Equipment Company
Job Position: Data Entry/Secretary/receptionist
This job was approached to me by my aunt. At this job I had a responsibility to answer phone calls from both in and out of the company, schedule appointments, order office equipments, and work on the computer using Microsoft Word & Excel, and most of the time the Internet. Great communication skills was a must, well organized was a plus, and being competitive was eye catching.

Education History
Grammar School Graduated
Junior High School Graduated
High School Graduated

Skills & Interests
Awesome communication skills
Very competitive
Great listener
Love to hold a conversation

-------------------------------------- RESUME 8 --------------------------------------

EDUCATION: High School

EXPERIENCE:
Grounds Keeper
-greet customers at the park with a friendly conversation
-clean the bathrooms and the park
-help young children find there parents

Cleaning Lady
-clean up office buliding
-keep the last working peoples company (conversate and wait with them till there ries came)

SKILLS:
Iam able to communicate friendly with others - I'm able to understand a little spanish -I am a powerful reader -I am also usually the leader of a gorup when placed in one -fast learner -great listner

ASSOCIATIONS:
I was once employed by Vector , but only for a while. My parents made me quite because there a scam job.

LANGUAGES:
-I understand a little Spanish -I can count to 10 in French & German -can say some things in spanish -can count forever in Spanish

-------------------------------------- RESUME 9 --------------------------------------

OBJECTIVE:
I am currently seeking a job that will allow me to use my excellentcommunication skills as well as enhance my knowledge so that I may obtain morework related experience in my chosen field of Mass Communication. I have excellent customer service skills,supervisory skills, and am knowlagable in payroll functioning.

EDUCATION
California State University

EXPERIENCE:
Customer Service Associate
Used excellent communication skills to conversate with customers.

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