ResuMESS #3

If you are not familiar with the ResuMESS posts, check out the intro & disclaimers in post #1 of the series. This post is about people who just couldn't manage to put that final polish on their resume. (These were found by searching for resumes containing the words booty, freaky, psycho, loser, and maybe a few others I'm forgetting).

RESUME excerpt 1
OBJECTIVE: My objective is to find a good, stable job that I enjoy going to everyday. I am a really hard worker and any of my previous employers can tell you that. If I can find the right job, I hope to be able to finally settle down and stay in one area so I may achieve my other goals in life. Those of which are to go back to school and maybe start a family.

Sounds nice and/or harmless, until you get to her contact info: psycho_pussy_bitch@.......


RESUME excerpt 2
Industry: Restaurants/Food and Drink Services
Cashier/Boards
On Boards I just made fries, counted nuggets, and made sandwiches. On Register, I just took orders, and bagged orders. Both make you learn patience fairly quick. You also learn to smile and say "my pleasure" even when you feel horrible. Or even if you're customer is a complete and total loser face that needs to get their panties out of a wad!!! So yes. I'll say I learned patience and tolerance from my short time of work experience.


RESUME excerpt 3
I have exceptional grammar, an eye for creativity, fast thinking and well organized. If anyone knows, most jobs look for the best. In my case I work hard to be the best that I can be. I give my all to whatever I do and expect nothing less from myself. So in my life any job that deals with the public and working with others only adds to the sweet fun of working.

Drumroll please, for the contact info of this outstanding professional woman: Freaky_kitten420@.......


RESUME excerpt 4
Let's start with this dream-candidate's email: super_freaky_chick2002@.... and see if the resume lives up to our first impression:

Industry: Retail
non foods clerk
throwing loads, stocking shelves

Industry: Retail
meat/ seafood clerk
wrapping meat, meat prep

EDUCATION:
west high school
drill team

We have a winner.


RESUME excerpt 5
Let's see what Jennifer wants to do in her next job. The email on her oh-so-professional resume is: booty_72787@.....

OBJECTIVE: I would like to get into a job that has a growth potential.

I got yer growth potential right here!

At the end of her resume, she gives as a reference this unfortunately-named gentleman:
Reference Name: Nick Bush

and this possible drug dealer:
Reference Name: Crystal Price


RESUME excerpt 6
Kimberly (aka litt_ghetto_booty@......) has this Objective:
To gain the knowledge and skills to become a professionalist.

I think she's going to be a loserist for a while.


RESUME excerpt 7
Erica (aka dominican_qt_witha_booty@.....) has the most double-entendre-laden Objective so far, in addition to the nicest rhyming slitty email address:
I'm kind hearted and patient, always willing to lend a helping hand. Good at prioritizing and executing workloads. I work well under pressure and i want to explore new things. I'm very open minded and am willing to try just about anything.


RESUME excerpt 8
Joy (aka booty_tum@......) has this in-depth desciption of her past employment

Jc Penneys
I was a chasier in the childrens dept.

"Come here you little brats!"

Skills
I can do anything asked of me even if im alone their is nothing i cant handle.

At least she isn't overly hard on herself.