ResuMESS #2

In contrast to the resumes from my first post, these seem to be intentionally funny. If you don't know where these are coming from, please read the introduction & disclaimers on my ResuMESS #1.

---------------------------- RESUME 1 ----------------------------

Position: I made love to her every night! I love her pussy

Most Recent Employer: Your Mom

Education : PhD - fucking your sister

---------------------------- RESUME 2 ----------------------------

B. Shields

I am interested in applying for any position (within reason). I would enjoy the opportunity to be a manager figuring on how I am much smarter than everybody else, I also command respect. In any position I would require a salary based off a 40 hour work week however, I'd probably only work around 30 (not including my lunch breaks). I find that I can control people very well. I know it is important to maintain eye contact with my customers and employees as I tell them they are wrong. Then depending on my mood, give in or not. I enjoy inventing and painting and realize that I hold many of the secrets of the universe. I'd like to say I know the truth about alien life but I don't. I do wear a magnetic bracelet so that they can't read my bio-magnetic brain waves. I do feel that they have been monitoring me in other means though. I work best in a low stress no result oriented environment. I feel that this experience shows the professionalism I've acquired as well the parallelism. One thing I am getting tired of is dumb people getting better paying jobs than me. It doesn't make sense and the reality is I'm not joking just look around and you'll see it. I enjoy working in a fast paced environment and I would waste time on my shift playing on the internet. I am sick of Sally the toothless retard getting better pay than me. Essentially I'm not a fucking stupid idiot and it pisses me off to no end that I am doing this. It is evident from my resume and ranting that I have a solid work history and a high IQ, which shows my dependability and drive. Probably the best way to get a decent job around here is to simply state "I LIKEJOB. I THINK JOB PRETTY!". It would most likely have better results. I would appreciate an opportunity to discuss this in person and may be contacted via email or telephone at your earliest convenience.

---------------------------- RESUME 3 ----------------------------

Experience
CEO & President

Education
Harvard: PhD - Pimpology

i was the fucking mack of all macks... the pimp of all pimps... the fucking jedi pimp of the century

Drumming: I am god

---------------------------- RESUME 4 ----------------------------

EDUCATION
PhD Major: fucking up

EXPERIENCE
chuck e cheese - bouncer
was the head bouncer at the door

ej,s rib shack - rib licker
i would lick off the rest of the ribs that the customer,s left over

roto rooter - skin diver
i would skin dive for buried treasure

faxon detox - devil,s advocate
i would discourage people from getting sober by bringing in lots of booze!!

naked eye - pimp
pimping wasnt easy!!

mbta - stripper
i would strip for the commuters all over the red line!

enron - thief
enough said?

SKILLS
smooth talker,lying to people

Languages
i speak fluent pig latin

Awards
was awarded 2 years in jail

Hobbies
sub-sonic donkey biting, licking and slapping lobsters, group trampling!

---------------------------- RESUME 5 ----------------------------

OBJECTIVE
i have been to alot of places looking for a job but , i have on h.s.depolma have'nt had a lot of experiienceat one thing but had alot of jobs doing just about every thing i'm tired of people fucking with me on how we are to look professional ,i just want a fun,good hard working job,i'm fast learner not a dumb ass,and would like to get paid resonalbe,fuckthat $6.00 bull shit ,can,and will do anything and find anything, just need a fucking brake thanks.

EDUCATION
Major: asshole

SKILLS
to many to list

Languages
don't seak but one but, i know bull shit

Volunteer Experience
alot of people needed help so i helped them.

---------------------------- RESUME 6 ----------------------------

EMPLOYMENT OBJECTIVE: to waste time here at the dept of labor

EXPERIENCE
cantkeepajob
i dont have any skills- i dont need any skills- im never gonna find a job anyway-

SKILLS
sucking dick and fucking

personality
freaky as hell

---------------------------- RESUME 7 ----------------------------

EMPLOYMENT OBJECTIVE: ooookeey

SKILLS: I am master also Genius

Certifications: Alot
Languages: 23
Hobbies: Fucking girls

---------------------------- RESUME 8 ----------------------------

OBJECTIVE: To be employed in an environment with incredible, inspiring people who will challenge my creative boundaries until blood and sweat dribble from every orrifice, and from whom which I may suck dry of all knowledge and experiences. And to someday buy cowboy boots encrusted with rhinestones.

WORK HISTORY:
Summer 2000 Summer 2001
Digital XYZ
Position: Graphic/Web Designer
Designed more stuff same old, same old; designed and programmed websites because no one else fucking could.

---------------------------- RESUME 9 ----------------------------

EXPERIENCE
- Frankenson&Burr custodian cleaning up peoples shit, testing out marijuana for the scientists,
- Playboy playmate posing for pornography photographs, giving head, fingering myself, fucking strangers, gettin laid a lot., ect..ect...
- Butsons cashier ringing up poepls shit all day, hearing the fucking beep bepp all day, cleaning the restrooms....(sucking A LOT of dick in the milk fridge

---------------------------- RESUME 10 ----------------------------

EMPLOYMENTOBJECTIVE
I want to do stuff for somebody all day long. I'll work overtime. I ain't afraid. In the end, all I need out of the deal is a paycheck I can cash.

EDUCATION: University of Idaho

EXPERIENCE
University of Idaho, English T.A.
So I finally graduated. "I'm going to be a professor!" I decided, so I jumped straight into grad school. And I taught freshman composition. My classes always finished twenty minutes early. My students loved me (except for that one little bastard . . .) But, I decided I needed to leave acadamia and enter the real world!

Applebee's, Dishwasher
Ah, my first job with my first college degree. I thought a job washing dishes would be a nice change. I quit after three days.

Moss Greenhouses, Labor Boy
And so I decided I needed an outside job in the open fresh-air. I thought working with plants and flowers would be Zen-like. But, I didn't like working with old ladies who smoked cigarettes all day and who bragged about how valuable they were to the fucking company. I quit after three days.

Donnelly's Sports, Screen Printer
Then, luckily, the same day I quit the greenhouses a drinking buddy offered me a job printing t-shirts. This job was perfect for me. I was so good that I soon gained respect around that place. After a month I started showing up late and leaving early. I was untouchable. I could do that job with a blinding hangover. Good thing too, our favorite drinking hole was located on the same block.

Sawtooth Photography, Photographer/Lab tech
The only job I've ever loved. I was serious with this one. I'd work about fourteen days straight photographing tourists on the Salmon River, processing the film, and selling the pictures. I'm going back too, so if you hire me, just know that I'll be taking this summer off. It's supposed to be a high water year.

Big Elk Mountain Outfitters, Labor Boy
Yeah, after the photo gig, I went to work stocking some hunting camps. I was supposed to train to be a hunting guide, but I pussed out. I quit after a month.

Black Hills Construction, Roofer
So I met this hot chick, right? Well I followed her to Washington and after a month took up roofing. But, I'm from the deserts of Southern Idaho where it rains like five times a year. It rains everyday here. I hate the rain, really. So, I quit after three days.

SKILLS
Nobody plays video games like me. Nobody.